my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
