As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
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