I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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