Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
