Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
