It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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