so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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