Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
