Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
