I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
and she was petting her beer can
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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