one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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