I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
