My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize