She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
