the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
