I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You ate ashes out of my bong
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
