You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
