i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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