He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
