never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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