just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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