it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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