just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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