Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
