I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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