Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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