dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I could make wine with my vomit
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize