I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
