mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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