After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
