Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
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