You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
