I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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