I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Actions speak louder than pants.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
