Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
