i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize