Tell her she can't have a vagina
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
well most of my day revolves around power hour
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
