Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
