where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
