I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
