she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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