The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
