Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
