Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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