I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
