eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize