My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
two words...techno handjob
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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