Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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