Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
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