Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
