There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
