Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Randomize
