last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
