He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Hello my rib-scented angel!
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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