Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
