On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
