I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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