Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
