Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
