I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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